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Want to Know My Eating Disorder (Hell) Story?

by nina on November 11, 2011

eating disorder story

I first published my eating disorder story several years ago.. after a few years of having full recovery. In case anyone missed it and does not know where I came from I am re-posting it.

I want you all to know that I get it – the pain, the frustration, trying to get help and failing… but i also now know that complete eating disorder recovery IS possible and it is my personal mission to help as many people who are suffering to achieve full recovery.

Never, ever give up on your eating disorder recovery. I have been to hell and back with this eating disorder and I want you all to know that there is hope and recovery truly is possible.


Here is my eating disorder story. If you would like to have your eating disorder stories published, please send me a message through the contact form or email me at recoverfromed@gmail.com.

I am just a very average girl who has recovered from all eating disorders after years of hell. In the end I had pretty much accepted that I would always have some type of eating disorder and that the best I could hope for was to find some strict diet/fitness regime that would manage my weight. But I never really believed that I could have freedom from the obsession. I never thought that I could get that monkey off my back. It has now been SIX YEARS since I have been COMPLETELY FREE.

It is possible to get eating disorder help and have full eating disorder recovery.

Methods I tried to get help:

I have done everything possible to try to solve this eating disorder puzzle. Absolutely everything you can think of.

Hospitalization,therapists, 12 step programs, support groups, hypnosis, meditation, psychotherapy, specialized eating disorder counseling. Buying EVERY SINGLE book possible on the subject, diet books, self help books, forums, prayer, meditation, support groups in my area.

None of these ever worked for me. I will not say that they cant work for some people, but they simply did not work for me. And I really tried my best at all of them.

What I was like.

I was a real rock bottom case. I lost an amazing job, I had no friends, I would spend days in isolation, I was hospitalized 3 times, I have been overweight and underweight, I lost boyfriends and a very loving fiancé.

This eating disorder took EVERYTHING from me at different times.

It went on for almost 10 YEARS in various disguises. At certain points I had relief, but never real freedom. Today I do.

I am completely, 100% free. I am fully recovered.

The reason I am writing this is that I swore to myself that if I ever did recover from this I would try to help as many people as possible. I made a promise to myself and it is so important that I cannot back down from it. If there is anything that I want it is to help someone else to achieve this sort of recovery.

I have made it my personal mission to help as many people as possible to achieve the FULL recovery and FREEDOM that I have today…

At various stages my eating disorders looked like this – For a period of 2 years I was completely anorexic. I only ate certain sugary things for energy when I felt that I was about to pass out. I was buying kids clothes at age 21.

I had no friends, never went out with friends to restaurants because I didn’t want them questioning my eating. I was completely alone and all my thought were dedicated to food, what I would/wouldn’t eat and getting temporary highs from buying the smallest jeans available.

From there I moved on to a period of control mixed in with binge episodes. My weight gradually increased and I always felt fat and ashamed. I would gain massive amounts of weight and then lose it through various methods that were always self punishing and painful.

I ended up completely bulimic and had lost my job, boyfriend and friends. I was hospitalized twice at this point and there were weeks on end when I couldn’t leave the house – except to buy food. I’ll spare you all the details – if anyone is reading this they know very well all the different lengths that eating disorder sufferers will go to.

What I really want to focus on is the fact that today I have completely recovered. I get shivers down my back as I write this and I want to cry because it is the biggest miracle I have witnessed in my life, to date.

What this means is the following:

  • I NEVER diet. I don’t look at how many calories, carbs or fat anything has. I don’t care and I know that it is irrelevant. No matter how hard I had tried I would never find the “magic” formula. If you want to know the magic formula it is this: don’t count anything. The eating disorder is an obsession that lives in the mind. The freedom and the healthy body come once you are released from that obsession. As long as I was counting, adding, subtracting and calculating, I wasn’t free. The ED had me.
  • I only exercise to feel better emotionally. Exercise makes me feel good. It boosts my mood and makes me happy. This is why I do it now – I don’t punish myself, I don’t look at how many calories I have burned and if I’m busy and don’t get to workout, I don’t care.
  • I eat out with my friends and love it. I go out as often as I can because I live in an amazing city with so much nightlife. I look at the menu and find the things that appeal to me. I eat whatever I feel like and I don’t fuss about how much fat/calories it has. If I am still hungry I eat dessert. Sometimes I finish everything and sometimes I don’t. It just depends on whether I feel full and what else I have had that day (or whether I enjoy the meal!)
  • Once I have finished a meal or snack I don’t think about it again. No matter what it was. I don’t think of anything in terms of “good” or “bad”. I just don’t think about it. I eat, I finish and then I get on with my life. The easting disorder does not live in my head because I don’t play dangerous games like dieting, calorie counting or over exercising.

What It is like today

Today I woke up late because I had a late night out. I did some work and when I felt hungry after a few hours I made my favorite meal. I have no idea how much fat/carb/content it has. I just know I like it. Then I made something else that I love an hour later because I was still hungry. Again, I would have a clue about the calorie content and I don’t care. I just know that I love the taste; it fills me up and gives me energy to continue my work (writing). Later I will probably have whatever meal I feel like – I have a few favorite things at the moment and I will see what I feel like later. If I want it I have it and if I don’t, I stop.

  • I know what full means and it makes me feel sick to have more than my body wants.
  • I don’t watch what other people are eating.
  • I don’t engage in conversations about dieting, weight loss or unhealthy tricks to lose weight.

Last night I went to a friend’s fundraiser and there was food there. It was a buffet and I picked out the things that I genuinely like.

The girl serving said “I love girls who eat real food and not just salad”. As I write this I cannot believe that I am that girl!

I would never have eaten at an event before. If I did, it would have been an overeating episode and I would have had to go straight home after. I ate my meal with my friend and then we all sat around talking for hours. Not at any point did I think about what I had eaten

My body is healthy and normal. I am a perfect weight for my height and I am attractive. I don’t look at other girls or compare myself – ever. I don’t discuss diets or weight loss under any circumstances. Even though I am recovered, I will protect my recovery and sanity because I am so grateful for it.

If this has helped anybody, I am blessed.

If there is anything else I can do, please contact me. I am available to anyone looking for help. Even if you are not sure, even if you are still in the grips of it. I don’t discriminate because I understand the powerlessness. I am here for you to do what I can, because I have been given this gift and don’t want to lose it.

FEEL FREE TO CONTACT ME through the contact form or by leaving a comment or question which I answer every Tuesday on my weekly Q+A Video Tuesday

I have also just released an E Book about Recovery From Eating Disorders with 3 FREE e books that come with it. You can find out more information about Recover from Eating Disorders or download it below.

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To Your Complete Recovery and Freedom,

 

Nina

Nina Vucetic

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{ 2 comments… read them below or add one }

Catherine November 27, 2011 at 5:59 pm

Hello, I am enjoying your website. Though, find it odd but true, in order to move away from, “ED”, one must completely stop thinking, living, breathing “ED” thought and activities. How simple a solution. That 4 sharing.

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nina November 30, 2011 at 3:48 pm

Thanks Catherine for your comment. i know what you mean – the simple solution is the one we always seem to miss…
Thank you for visiting my site and please feel free to post any questions that you have!
I have a weekly Q+A Tuesday where I answer all of your specific questions about recovery, challenges, issues – anything goes!
Love
Nina

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